For the things I have, am and will be

I am grateful, Lord, for the things that I have, for the person I am, for the person I will be. I am grateful for my family and my friends. I am grateful for a husband that thinks outside of the box. I am grateful that my children are happy and healthy and smart. I am grateful for the smiles on their faces. Most of all, Lord, I am grateful for you. I am grateful for your sacrifice...for your blood...for your tears. So, here I am, Lord, arms wide open, releasing to you...gratefully....wholly....yours.

Used

use

/v. yuz or, for past tense form of 9, yust; n. yus/ Show Spelled Pronunciation v. yooz or, for past tense form of 9, yoost; n. yoos] verb, used, us⋅ing, noun
to take unfair advantage of; exploit: to use people to gain one's own ends.


We have been attending a new church recently. It's a really neat place and my kids absolutely love it. Today's service was one of the most unique I have ever attended. It was a great family service!
Anyway, I have really been kinda blah towards the whole 'church shopping' idea. I just couldn't get my mind around why that was. I have been asking the Lord for the past couple of weeks to reveal my heart and strip away the pain of the past. Slowly, (thank you, Lord) God has been showing me why I feel the way I do right now. He hasn't really taken it away, but has helped me to understand the pain. When the Journey didn't pan out, I was a little disappointed ,but not hurt. The churches before are really the source of my pain. I am sure there is a little from here and there, but the last few have really developed an attitude in me towards the church. I think I now know why.
The word has been USED. It's been floating around in my mind for two days now and I keep asking the Lord to show me more. Flashes of this person and that...this situation and that...keep showing up in my head. So I kept praying. I asked Him this morning to let me worship again. To help me feel His presence. I did...and I got some more understanding.

No where have I found in the Word (in my brief study) an instance where Jesus used anyone. Before I get a firestorm of theological rigamarow...I mean in the definition above. Jesus did not use people and throw them aside. He does not use people now and throw them aside. I don't know about some of you, but my heart feels USED. I feel like in the past few churches we have been in , people could see me coming. I want the gifts and talents that God has given me to be an offering of service to Him. Pastors and leaders see that and say...oooohhhh someone who wants to work. So I did. Work that is. Then when the job was done or when we moved on...nothing...on to the next sorry sap who wants to be "used" for the Kingdom.
Used for the agenda of some man (or woman)....not so much for advancing the kingdom. The language we use these days set us up for that...we do say that we want to be used for God's work. I want to look at it differently. I have been reading Psalm this afternoon searching for anywhere where David would have said...USE ME, Lord. It doesn't, that I have found...it does use terms such as, offering and service. I really think those words give such a negative connotation, like I said before, of use and toss. I don't want to be tossed aside. I want to give my gift to the Lord with a grateful heart, not a guarded one.
How do we get passed that? I don't know...I'm still working on that one, but I do have an understanding and a new vision of what I want my service to be.....a living sacrifice...wholly His!

Growing so fast!

Yesterday evening I get a call from James asking if I knew someone named Brianna from Caleb's class. I thought that was an odd question, but he runs into so many people at work that I thought her mom and dad maybe came into the bank or something like that. I said that the name sounded familiar, but I didn't KNOW her. That is when he tells me that he had received TWO voice mail messages from this little girl for Caleb. I was a little shocked, so I asked Caleb if he knew a girl named Brianna. He runs into the kitchen and says that he does and that she is one of his BEST friends (first I ever heard about that one). I asked him if he gave her James' cell phone number and he said, "yes". At this point I'm still trying to wrap my brain around all of this and I look at my son and he is BLUSHING! I guess he 'likes' this girl, but we don't allow 'girlfriend/boyfriend' stuff at this point and he knows that so she is just a "friend". So he goes off and plays his playstation a little more and we wait for daddy to get home.
James gets home and plays the messages for Caleb and we are trying so hard not to laugh, but this little girl is telling James that she is a "nice little girl" and would he please have Caleb call her "as soon as you get this message". WHAT? They are in the first grade! I guess I was just caught way off guard. I told James....yeah, nice little girls don't call boys. HA HA! Really, it was very sweet and innocent. I'm just not ready for him to grow up just yet!

December 10, 2008

I went in Wednesday morning to my midwife's office just to get checked and my membranes swept. I was dilated to 4cm and 70% effaced, so she just 'roto-rootered' me really quickly, had me use a breast pump for about 30 minutes and sent me to walk around the mall. We left her office at about 11:00am. My mom, James, Julia and I got out and walked around and had some lunch. I started having some very decent contractions, so we started timing them and they were 2 minutes a part and 40 seconds long. So at about 2:00pm we went back to the birth center and I was 5 cm and my midwife decided we weren't leaving. About an hour later she came in and checked me and I was between a 6 and 7. I wanted in the tub at that point, so I could ease some pain a little. The tub helped, but my midwife didn't want me to deliver in the tub this time because my baby was going to be a bit bigger than I was used to and she didn't want me having trouble in the tub where she couldn't easily get to me (which I was a little bummed about, but understood). So, at about 4pm I moved to the rocking chair and rocked for a while...it helped a bit with the pain as well. All the sudden the contractions became almost unbearable and I felt a lot of pressure. The midwife wasn't in the room, but she heard me scream and came running in with the birth assistant and moved me to the bed....pronto. I had the freedom to push when I wanted to, so I listened to my body and didn't push until it pushed. Tyler made his appearance at 5:20pm and is the biggest of all my kiddos at a whopping 8lbs and 20 inches long...with a 14inch head and a head full of black hair! We were home by 9:00pm and I feel really good...albeit sore! He's feeding like a pro and just the most BEAUTIFUL thing!

This is my third child and for all of you out there that think they will all go the same, think again! This was a very humbling experience for me. I had both of my other babies early at 37 and 38 weeks. So, this was the longest I had been pregnant with any of my kiddos. Another misconception that I had was that he would be small like the other two...HA! I just delivered an 8 lb baby!!! My other two were 5 and 6lbs!

39 Weeks

Yup, he's still in there. Yup, I'm still progressing, but slowly. The midwife says she will break my water if I don't have him by Monday, but I think I could talk her into doing it when I see her tomorrow morning.
Here's hoping and praying!

37 Weeks...He's still in there!

Just another updated. Tyler is still in the womb despite efforts to 'sing' him out on Sunday night. I have progressed a tiny bit and he is definitely in position....but he's still in there. I was a little disappointed at my Midwife visit yesterday. I don't think it was so much that I'm not progressing as much as I hoped, but that I found out that my midwife might not be there to deliver Tyler. Now, you have to know that this happens to me EVERY TIME! With Caleb I delivered in a hospital where you never know who you are going to get to deliver your baby. Well, my midwife started me off, but she's not the one who delivered him. Fast forward to Julia, I had the same midwife as I did with Caleb, but I was to deliver at a birthing center. So, here I am thinking...wow, private practice, I get who I go to for delivery. WRONG! My midwife has double knee replacement surgery and isn't there for my delivery.....which is ok because I met Jean and she delivered Julia. So, Jean is my midwife now and has spent this year really getting into shape and is training for a triathlon. Way cool! So at my last appointment I noticed that she was a little stiff and she said that her bike had thrown her and she hurt her shoulder. Betty, whom I saw yesterday, tells me that she is still very much in pain and that she is supposed to see a dr today about it. Oh I hope that she gets better soon!
Just ranting now, but we're really doing ok. I'm walking like a mad woman and I'm trying to get my work done before this baby gets here. The unpredictablilty of it all, I guess, just drives me nuts!

Baby Update

I had my 36 week appointment today and it just seems like time has just flown by! This is when the appointments start to get fun....you never know if you will make your next one!!! So, I asked my midwife to check me and I am progressing! I won't put the details up for everyone to see, but HERE WE GO! Tyler might be here sooner rather than later. So, please keep us in your prayers. We WILL make it to the ultra fun worship jam this weekend...I can't wait to sing with all of you! It will be so fun! I can't imagine something pleasing the Father more than the Body getting together to fellowship and worship Him! What a blessing!!!!!

See ya there!